Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
