Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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