i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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