he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
