foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
