was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you had me at cake vodka
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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