The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
