Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
