If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
