When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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