I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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