She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
