Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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