Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
