did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
