I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
did you just send me my own nude
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
