I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
