at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
