Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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