I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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