Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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