we have officially lost it.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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