i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
