Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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