I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
