you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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