I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
