I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i will never coherently bang her
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
