had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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