highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
