In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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