uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
