Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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