Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
