Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
