I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
