I don't remember. Are we still dating?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
