pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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