she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
