don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
