i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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