and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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