I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
