I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
