you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
