I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
and you fell through a lawn chair
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
