I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
