Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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