You were right. It hurts to walk today.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
