I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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