Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
